


You and Me could write a Bad Romance

by myxstorie



Category: Johnny's Entertainment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-22
Updated: 2014-07-22
Packaged: 2018-02-09 22:57:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2001165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myxstorie/pseuds/myxstorie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For Crys, for <a href="http://myxstorie.livejournal.com/62405.html?thread=1266117#t1266117">this prompt</a>, which I immediately choked up a little over because it's so excellent. I started this several times with different people, and it was never right. I'm still not entirely sure it is, but this is the one I'm going with. KAT-TUN fans, please don't hate me. I love them all as much as everyone else, and I don't for one moment think there's even a shred of truth in this; it's not my opinion, or what I think they're like (especially Jin), it's just fiction, and it had to be this way for anything to work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You and Me could write a Bad Romance

-

_Pain._

It's the first thing Nakamaru learns to associate Koki with, back when they're still young, when he's still naïve and believes that things can be better than this.

Pain blossoms across his cheek, Koki's anger venting itself in the most physical way he knows how, the sharp, throbbing sting of a fist setting his nerve endings on fire, as a deep, telling red spreads over his face.

Nakamaru doesn't fight back, doesn't even lift his head, because if Koki needs to be angry, he lets him. Their formation, the six of them, is still new, still raw, nasty words and nastier blows being thrown with the awkward brashness of children, but Nakamaru has already learned his place.

If he doesn't keep the peace, no-one will.

And if that means giving Koki that final push he needs to snap, to bruise, to let it all out on him rather than someone who will fight back, will move faster, hit harder, then so be it.

The rest of them, they aren't strong enough for this.

-

Over the years, they grow up. They get physically bigger, they start working out, getting stronger and better than before, and Nakamaru knows that now, more than ever, they can't fight each other.

Their tempers get fouler, constrained by the rules and regulations of their management, every day, every missed opportunity at work and play throwing another bucket of metaphorical straw over them as they realise just how much they can't do, aren't _allowed_ to do, until something as small as a look, a sound, a breath has them snapping, screaming and shouting like they want to take the other person by the throat and choke the life out of them.

Once, Koki tried it.

Nakamaru had had to wear a necktie for a week.

They grow larger, but their mentality struggles to keep up. As confined as they all are, stuck amongst all their younger juniors, they still have the petty temperaments of thirteen year olds, more caught up with exacting their revenge for a misplaced prank than forgiving and forgetting for the sake of their group.

Nakamaru, on the other hand, worries. He sits up at night chewing on his fingers and sleeves and covers, terrified of what might happen the next day.

Because he knows that they're strong enough now that if any one of them really, truly snaps, it won't just be a cheek or a nose that gets broken.

-

Over time, one by one they realise that they can't go on like this. They debut, they become a real, acknowledged group, and once the reality of being stuck with each other settles in, they wake up.

It's Ueda who sits them all down, who tells them they can't go on like this, that they're going to have to learn to live with each other if they want to be successful. Because they all want to be successful, right?

Nine months later, they lose a letter.

Jin's departure is like waking up one day and discovering you're missing a limb. There's a big, empty space you're not used to, there are things you can't do as easily anymore, gaps to fill, things to account for. The people around you become more wary of themselves, their words taking on a careful edge, very pointedly not mentioning the one, glaringly obvious detail that you know is on the very tip of their tongue.

While Jin was there, he'd only caused trouble.

Now that he's gone, he's causing even more.

Everything is harder without their A, and all of the hard work after their debut, of trying to get along and control themselves and behave like adults is undone in a heartbeat. Tempers rise and flare like flames, burning hot and bright and hard, but by now Kame's turned to his work, Ueda's taken up boxing, and Junno starts to wear his smile like a mask, covering it all up until he's in the safety of his own home.

It's Koki that Nakamaru worries about the most.

Koki's never been good at hiding his anger - once it's settled in his gut, he can't ignore it, _won't_ ignore it - and anyone who tries to distract him from it only fuels it further.

Nakamaru learns to see the signs early, even before Koki does, knows that that forced smile on Kame's lips will make Koki's eyes narrow, knows that Junno's attempts to make them all laugh won't just pull a strained sigh from Koki like the rest of them. He knows just when to step in to soothe Koki's temper for a few hours, minutes, long enough for them to finish up or at least get out of their for a while so that Koki can lash out at him instead of one of them. At least now, Koki's learned not to hit his face.

He never tells the rest of them; doesn't see the need to.

It's all for them, anyway.

-

Jin returns, and for a while things get better. Nakamaru starts taking his shirt off again, and is foolish enough to let himself believe that this time, they'll be alright.

This time, they're whole again.

-

It doesn't last; can't. America has changed the person Jin used to be, but not for the better.

He goes out to the best - and worst - clubs, drinks too much, parties too much, and doesn't care whose toes he steps on while he's out there _living_. Kame buries his head even further in the sand, taking on more and more just to stop himself stopping long enough to have to think about anything. Ueda gets angry, punches Jin in the face and tells him exactly what he thinks, but once he's done, Jin just sniffs, wipes the blood from his nose and leaves.

His attitude hits Koki the hardest. He'd fought the most to get Jin back, reminded him of all the things he was missing out on, the fun, the money, the _music_. Koki was the one who'd kept at it when the rest of them were ready to return to Tokyo and leave Jin in LA, Koki was the one who'd brought their missing piece back.

And it's Koki's fault they're having to pick up after and cover up for someone they barely know anymore.

-

As the years tick by, day after day, month after month, they fall into a comfortable kind of routine. They keep their mouths shut and get on with their work, they smile for the camera and recite their scripts and laugh just they've practiced, like they're all friends and life is good. And the more they do it, the easier it gets to believe. The more they pretend, the more they forget, the more they ignore.

No-one ever mentions the dark circles under Kame's eyes, or the way the state of Ueda's knuckles just gets worse. They ignore the way Junno's smile slips around the edges, and that Koki spends more of his free time at Nakamaru's place than his own.

It becomes normal for Koki to snatch up his bag after a particularly bad day and follow Nakamaru home, and Nakamaru doesn't think anything of leaving Koki at the door to fetch a drink for himself, or to turn the television onto a program he knows Koki hates, or to make a passing comment about how Koki really shouldn't have behaved that way today. He doesn't think anything of the way Koki glares and shouts and lashes out, unleashing his fury on the one person who will take it without retaliation, just get up time and time again and allow Koki to tear into him until it's over and they can both breathe again.

Sometimes, Nakamaru's sure he can see Koki's eyes shining, wet, when the last blow has fallen and his pulse is calming, but Koki never lets him look long enough to be sure.

On those days, Koki always switches back to his kind, gentle self. The moment he sees what he's done, the bruises or nicks or blood that have come from his own touch, he'll clean the traces of violence away with warm water and soft hands and even softer words, murmured apologies and promises that he'll never do it again, that he can't bear to see Nakamaru in pain and he won't ever, ever raise a hand to him again, he _promises_.

Nakamaru smiles and nods and agrees, lies spilling from his lips, that Koki is better than that, that he would never hurt his friends, that it was just a bad day and that Nakamaru had brought it on himself. It should frighten him, how easily he finds it now, to convince Koki that it's all okay, when his heart knows it will never be true.

-

The shift their relationship takes feels natural, and when one day Koki's touch is a little softer as he traces the mark he'd left on Nakamaru's ribs and his fingers keep on going up and up and up to Nakamaru's cheek, it feels normal to tilt his head into it and accept Koki's mouth on his.

The apologies and promises are the same as ever, but this time, whispered against his skin, Nakamaru allows himself to believe.

-

Time and time again, Koki lets him down, but then he picks him up again with his hands and his lips, soft in a way Nakamaru had never believed he could be when the sheets are the only things protecting them from the harsh reality that they both try to forget they have to return to when this is all over.

And when Koki breathes those promises into the crook of his neck, once again, Nakamaru allows himself to believe.

One day, one day things will be better than this.

They have to be.

-

They're not.

Koki's temper makes it's way into the bedroom, and Nakamaru doesn't even notice it happening until it's too late. He's so caught up in whatever this is between them now that he misses the signs, doesn't see the fire burning in Koki's eyes until their clothes are a mere memory and Koki's being rough, too rough, forcing him to use the pillow to hide his cries and his tears.

Nakamaru prays that it was a one-off, that Koki's his friend and wouldn't do that to him again, not out of choice.

He prays, but Koki only gets more creative, and by the first time his blood is spilled, on _purpose_ , Nakamaru's almost gotten used to it.

-

Under the cover of darkness, he lets himself wonder. He wonders what things would be like if they'd never been put into a unit, if Koichi had picked someone else to be their N, maybe Ninomiya or Nishikido, but then he berates himself for even thinking it. He knows if it were anyone else, they wouldn't have come as far as they have. They'd have killed each other before ever making it to debut.

No. He knows this is it. This is how it has to be, all playing their parts to rise higher and higher, to be the worldwide sensation they all dream of. They all have their parts, and Nakamaru has his right here, lying next to his friend, finally peaceful in his dreams.

Eyes tracing Koki's face, Nakamaru thinks he's a little bit in love with Koki. He's long past wondering why he stays, why he keeps letting Koki turn his flesh red and purple and blue; it's been going on for so long now that he almost _likes_ it, can't possibly imagine a relationship being any other way.

For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, that's what they say, and Nakamaru's in this for the long haul.

He might have feelings for Koki, but he loves his band with all his heart, and there's nothing he wouldn't do for them, he knows, as he draws his fingers lightly over Koki's brow.

Especially when it brings him here.

Koki shifts in his sleep, smiles.

Because there's nowhere else he'd rather be.  



End file.
